3 Nephi 27:19 and Redemption

3 Nephi 27:19 says:

"...no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom..."

I taught a lesson in Relief Society recently that was based on Elder Christofferson's General Conference address given this last April (2013) entitled "Redemption."  That talk had some very interesting footnotes in it and this scripture in 3 Nephi reminded me of one of them.  (It is footnote #4 if you are interested in looking up the talk yourself.)  It reads:

  It is with respect to our own sins that the scriptures speak of some not receiving the benefit of redemption: “The wicked remain as though there had been no redemption made, except it be the loosing of the bands of death” (Alma 11:41). “He that exercises no faith unto repentance is exposed to the whole law of the demands of justice; therefore only unto him that has faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption” (Alma 34:16). If a man rejects the Savior’s Atonement, he must redeem his debt to justice himself. Jesus said, “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; but if they would not repent they must suffer even as I” (Doctine and Covenants 19:16–17). An unredeemed individual’s suffering for sin is known as hell. It means being subject to the devil and is described in scriptural metaphors as being in chains or a lake of fire and brimstone. Lehi begged his sons to choose Christ’s Redemption “and not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom” (2 Nephi 2:29). Even so, because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, hell has an end, and those who are obliged to pass through it are “redeemed from the devil [in] the last resurrection” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:85). The relatively few “sons of perdition” are “the only ones on whom the second death shall have any [lasting] power; yea, verily, the only ones who shall not be redeemed in the due time of the Lord, after the sufferings of his wrath” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:32, 37–38).

This is a gospel of hope.  I'm so grateful for the Atonement, and I plan to strive to take advantage of the Savior's gift everyday.

"Future Generations"--That's us!

In 3 Nephi 26:2, Christ says:

"...These scriptures, which ye had not with you, the Father commanded that I should give unto you; for it was wisdom in him that they should be given unto future generations."

It touches me to think of the centuries full of effort and sacrifice that have gone into the scriptures that I hold in my hands today.  When I really stop and think about it, I am in awe that the people in the time they were written didn't benefit from them as we do now.  They didn't have printing presses to churn out pages.  Therefore, so very many people were not able to hold these wonderful words and read them for themselves.  I am certainly grateful for all those who wrote things down for "future generations" because I just don't know what I would do without them.

3 Nephi 24--Fuller's Soap

3 Nephi 24 is to be compared to Malachi 3.  It is part of the words Jesus commanded the people of Nephi to write down when he appeared to them.  The beginning of the chapter speaks of the Second Coming and verse 2 caught my eye.  It says:

"But who may abide the day of his coming, and who shall stand when he appeareth?  For he is like a refiner's fire and like fuller's soap."

I think we all understand what a refiner's fire does.  It is very hot and it purifies gold and silver.  OK that's pretty straight forward.  But what is fuller's soap?

After researching a bit online, I found a pretty good definition:  A fuller was someone who cleaned and thickened (to make it "full") freshly-woven cloth. The process involved cleaning, bleaching, wetting and beating the fibers to a consistent and desirable condition. Fuller's earth was a type of clay that was used to scour and cleanse the cloth. Fuller's soap was an alkali made from plant ashes which was also used to clean and full new cloth.

I thought that was very interesting.

Everyone Makes Mistakes

Sometimes I feel like I can't get anything right around my house.  I move from room to room trying to straighten up and motivate that room's occupant.  My voice starts out loving and reasonable.  My requests get ignored.  There is soon yelling on both sides and the room and it's occupant are left with a feeling of chaos even though the floor is now a little easier to navigate and the drawers are slightly more accessible.

Yesterday after three rooms and three similar results, I felt very disheartened.  I wish I could say I took a deep breath, put myself in Time Out, and went to rally my spirits with a little bit of scripture reading but I didn't.  In fact, by lights out I was feeling so contentious I couldn't listen to the boys' prayers because sometimes Isaac gives me a hard time when I say it's his turn and I honestly couldn't take any more. I left the room with, "Goodnight.  I hope you guys choose to say your prayers."

This morning I read 3 Nephi 23 and all that truly stood out to me was that Nephi made a mistake.  Jesus asks him why he didn't write about the many saints that arose from the dead and appeared unto many.  Nephi looks and realizes that it never did get recorded.  Jesus asks him to do so.  The End.  No fussing.  No yelling.  I wish I could be more like the Savior.  However, today instead of resolving to do better like I normally would.  I'm just sitting here thankful for proof that everybody makes mistakes.

3 Nephi 22--My Kindness Shalt Not Depart

3 Nephi 22 is a "Compare to Isaiah" chapter.  This one is Isaiah 54.  These chapters can be somewhat confusing, but this one I actually got.  I know the spirit helped, and I'm sure it didn't hurt that I read it soon after an awesome Relief Society lesson on missionary work because that is what this chapter is about:  "enlarging the place of thy tent" or expanding the stakes of Zion.

My favorite verse in this chapter is verse 10 which reads:

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee."

It can be applied to all of life's trials, especially those which seem to shake our whole world, and yet we can still find peace in Him.

In the middle of verse 14 it says:

"...thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear..."

It really has made me think of how the two relate...Fear and Oppression.  Yep, definitely food for thought.

3 Nephi 18

In 3 Nephi 18, Christ has stayed to teach the Nephites because he had compassion on them.  He has just taught them about the sacrament. (By the way, 3 Nephi 18 is a great chapter to read if you are having trouble concentrating while taking the sacrament at church.)  But today I want to focus on something else that Christ says in verses 24 and 25 which read::

"Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world.  Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up--that which ye have seen me do.  Behold ye see that I have prayed unto the Father, and ye all have witnessed.  And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; even so shall ye do unto the world; and whosoever breaketh this commandment suffereth himself to be led into temptation."

I like that so very much.  We are told so often to do missionary work, to let our light shine.  I love that this verse says that the light we hold up is Christ's light.  I guess that should be obvious, but I forget.  And so, I feel inadequate to share the gospel.  After all, I'm not perfect.  Why should anyone listen to me?

I love how Christ says we should do what we have seen him do and then goes on to explain what he means.  I have often been frustrated by the thought that we should do what Jesus would do.  How on earth can I do that? I think to myself.  I am neither that wise nor that powerful.  But I can do as Jesus says here.  I can pray to my Heavenly Father as he has taught.  I can include.  I can follow his example.

3 Nephi 17

I love these few verses in 3 Nephi 17.  As Jesus prepares to leave the Nephites, verses 2-4 demonstrates how much Jesus is guided by his Father.  It is a reminder of why Jesus does all that he does.  It is because he loves his Father.

"I perceive that ye are weak, that ye cannot understand all my words which I am commanded of the Father to speak unto you at this time.  Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again.  But now I go unto the Father, and also to show myself unto the lost tribes of Israel, for they are not lost unto the Father, for he knoweth whither he hath taken them."

He also loves us.  3 Nephi 5-8 reads:

"And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them.  Have ye any that are sick among you?  Bring them hither.  Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner?  Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.  For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you." 

He wants to heal us, those who live in 2013, as well.  We too need to look to him and demonstrate faith and we can be healed of those things which ail us.  The dictionary definition of "ail" is this:  to cause pain, uneasiness, or trouble to.  It covers quite a lot I think.  What burdens are we bearing that we could take to him and find relief?

Ask

Most children ask for what they need and then some.  It has been interesting to me, as I have worked with a couple of my kids, to learn that some children need to be taught to ask.  It is not in their nature to ask for help.  It is not a given that they look inside themselves when they are uncomfortable and find out what they need, and then turn around and seek for someone that can provide for their need.  I remember one day when we were on vacation in Utah touring the Conference Center Isaac was very upset.  Crying, throwing himself on the floor, miserable.  When we finally stopped for lunch, Isaac ordered juice and water with his lunch.  As soon as it arrived he grabbed both drinks, stuffed the two straws in his mouth and drained the cups in record time.  The reason for the mornings suffering became clear.  He had been thirsty.  He never asked for a drink.  In fact, when the other kids stopped at water fountains, he cried and refused the water, perhaps it was simply because he wasn't used to water fountains.  Who knows, but my point is this:  Judging from some of the things the scriptures say, I think at times Heavenly Father sees us, His children, doing this same thing.  I think he sometimes marvels at our unwillingness to ask.  In 3 Nephi 16:4 Jesus says:

"...my people at Jerusalem, they who have seen me and been with me in my ministry, do not ask the Father in my name, that they may receive a knowledge of you by the Holy Ghost..."

The people at Jerusalem were told that Jesus had other sheep, but they didn't think to ask for understanding, or clarification of his words.  I believe it says they assumed Jesus meant the Gentiles.  I'm sure there are many instances in my own life when Heavenly Father was just waiting for me to ask so he could help me to understand.

Matthew 7:7-8 says:

"Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; For every one  that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

We have to be taught to ask.  It goes along with learning faith.  We ask.  We receive.  We learn to trust Heavenly Father.  But if we never ask...we will continue to thirst.

Light

I have been gaining a lot of understanding through studying the words of modern church leaders this past month.  Maybe that is why reading these verses made me pause and take a moment to remember that General Conference is coming up.

Christ is speaking to the Nephites in 3 Nephi 15:10-12 when he says:

"Behold, I have given unto you the commandments; therefore keep my commandments...And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words, he said unto those twelve whom he had chosen.  Ye are my disciples; and ye are a light unto this people..."

I'm very thankful for my testimony that Heavenly Father has given us apostles and a living prophet today.  I'm grateful for all those who serve in leadership of this church--Christ's church in the Latter-Days.  And so I ask myself:  Am I grateful enough to listen when they speak?  Do I take the time to receive the light?

Really Believe

3 Nephi 14:21 says:

"Not every one that saith unto me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father who is in heaven." (emphasis added)

 This scripture reminds me of the reason I enjoy sign language so much.  This scripture reminds me of the sign for "believe."  In order to say "believe" in sign language you touch your index finger to your forehead and then bring that hand down to clasp your other hand in front of you.  I remember it easily because to me the sign says more than the spoken word.  To me is says belief starts in your mind but needs to continue to your hands, or in other words, your actions to really make a difference.

Questions Are Marvelous Things Part 2

As I prepared for my Relief Society lesson last week, I was searching for a quote by Elder Neal A. Maxwell and stumbled on a very fun part of the lds.org website.  You can bookmark talks and article as well as highlight quotes and keep them by signing in with your regular password.  There is room for comments and journal entries too.  So fun!  I'm sure you can do the same for the scriptures too. I just haven't tried it yet.

Anyway, I found a quote that I really liked because it went along with what I was saying about questioning being a good, maybe even necessary, way to learn the gospel.  Elder Maxwell said:

"Puzzlement, for instance, is often the knob on the door of insight. The knob must be firmly grasped and deliberately turned with faith."  (Endure It Well, General Conference April 1990)

 Of course Elder Maxwell said it better and more succinctly than I did.  I love his use of the word "puzzlement" because it suggests the moving around of pieces of knowledge until you see the bigger picture.  And it is true that faith must be demonstrated.  Without it some of the questions we have that are not answered right away can become the things that drive us away from our Father in Heaven.

Amazing

3 Nephi 13:7-8 says:

"But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen, for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.  Be not ye therefore like unto them, for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask him."

I have thought a lot about this counsel as I have taught my children to pray.  When my oldest son first began to talk, I helped him say his prayers. They were simple.  They had to be because he could not say a great many things, but without me realizing it, his vocabulary grew while the prayers stayed simple.  Then, one day I realized he said the same thing every night.  I was appalled that I had unwittingly taught him to pray from his memory instead of from his heart.  I have taught many a Family Home Evening lesson on prayer to try to help my children learn what prayer is actually for, but every once in a while I realize that one of them, or even I myself, has gotten into a rut.  The funny thing is that it usually starts out very meaningful, like when the Stake Presidency asked all the primary children to pray for the Ft. Collins temple.  The kids remembered more than I did to pray for that.  I'm not sure when a prayer that is repeated often becomes just words, with little thought behind it, but it seems to happen unless we are really paying attention.

Prayer is a direct line to our Father in Heaven.  It is a truly amazing thing that a being of such great power really cares about all of our little bumps and bruises, about all our hopes and dreams, and takes the time to answer all of our questions if we will take the time to ask and listen.  When we pray we have Heavenly Father's undivided attention (so to speak), but do we give him ours?  I must admit at times I'm thinking about the family schedule, or the fact that I'm tired and cant' wait to get into bed, while I offer up a distracted prayer.  Or perhaps worse, I poor out my heart with questions, or plead for help with a specific things and then get up and wander away shaking my head with thoughts of how hard life can be.  I didn't even give Him a chance to answer me!

It reminds me of a friend I had in high school.  She would often ask me questions and then forget to listen for an answer.  It floored me when she would do this and this practice quickly got a prominent place on my Pet Peeve's List.  It saddens me to think of how often I have done that to my Heavenly Father.  I'm grateful He is such a loving, forgiving, and patient being.

One day, as a frazzled mother of young children who was trying to do everything right, I counted up the number of prayers we are counseled to have on any given day and realized that it as at least seven.  (Morning and night personal and family prayer = 4 plus 3 mealtime prayers...I'm not even going to mention that 'have a prayer always in your heart' counsel)  It seemed an impossible number to me.  I still don't know how often I actually reach that number, but I know that I am grateful for the reminders to reach out to a Father who loves me and is willing and able to help with whatever I have to say as long as it comes from my heart.

Questions Are Marvelous Things

It seems ludicrous that my computer and laptop have such a hard time with this blogging website, but it is true.  They periodically fritz out and won't let me post.  I think I have figured out what is causing it though so hopefully I can blog a little more regularly.  Yay me!

Previously I had tried to pace my Book of Mormon reading with my ability to blog but I have given that up now that it gave me trouble so often and so long, but I marked things and recorded things as I pondered and prayed.  Writing the blog posts often help me get things more clear in my mind so I'm going to treat this blog a little differently now.  Instead of it being a journal that follows what I'm currently reading in the scriptures, I am going to use it as another place to ponder things (hopefully posting at least once a week) because I do want to finish recording things I have learned from studying the Book of Mormon.  If it is helpful to anyone else that would make me smile.  If not, well, I'm sorry it didn't turn out to be the kind of blog I set out for it to be.

On that note I would like to look at 3 Nephi 12 today.  This is still the Savior's visit to the Nephites.  He is teaching them about the higher law when he says in 3 Nephi 12:25:

"Agree with thine adversary quickly while thou art in the way with him, lest at any time he shall get thee, and thou shalt be cast into prison."

This was a rather confusing scripture to me until I read the New Testament and discovered how very helpful footnotes can be.  The footnote next to "agree" in this scripture refers us to Matthew 5:26-26 which says pretty much the same thing as is found in 3 Nephi, but the footnote of that verse is quite helpful.  It gives a Greek translation which informs us that the scripture really means to say:

"Quickly have kind thoughts for, or be well disposed toward, thine adversary..."

 It makes a lot more sense to me that way.  Still, being me, I have plenty more questions to ponder on with this verse.  It warns of being cast into prison.  Why does it use that reference?  Is it warning against the fact that holding a grudge will keep me from spirit paradise?  Does it mean that if I'm not well disposed toward my adversary, an argument could lead to real physical violence or trouble that would actually get me thrown in jail?

Now, I'm more inclined to believe this scripture is referring to spiritual matters just because of the context of the chapter that it is in, but I am learning not to stop myself when my brain starts firing questions at me.  I used to think some questions were bad to think about.  I used to stop certain questions mid-thought and feel bad they even started to form in my head.  Questions like "What if this is all a bunch of made up stuff?" used to never make it to the pondering stage.  I thought it denoted a lack of faith.  Now however I can let those questions come because I have faith enough in my Father in Heaven to know that He will answer them.  He knows me and He will lead me to the answer in a way that I will understand.  I know He will do this because this isn't a bunch of made up stuff, but I have only become solidly sure of that since I let myself really ponder on it. I have noticed of late that when I'm in Gospel Principles class and the teacher asks me for my thoughts on our discussion, I always have more questions than I have answers.  I think that is OK, in fact I think it may be one of the reasons I have learned so much more about the gospel in recent years than I ever have before.  Questions really are marvelous things.

3 Nephi 11:33-34

Still thinking about baptism...I like 3 Nephi 11:33-34.  It boils things down to the basics:

"And whoso believeth in me, and is baptized, the same shall be saved; and they are they who shall inherit the kingdom of God.  And whoso believeth not in me, and is not baptized, shall be damned."

I think often people get very angry, or perhaps, fearful of a God who goes around damning people.  But truly it is our own choices and actions that damn us, or in other words, stop our progression.  To continue on the path laid out for us by our Father in Heaven we must do those things he has told us are essential to do.  (And by the way, if you check out footnote "a" in verse 33 it refers you to the Topical Guide under Baptism, Essential.)  It is not because He is mean or arbitrarily likes to assign us things so we can jump through hoops, or into pools of water in this case.  It is because He loves us and knows what we need to do to make it back to Him.  He knows the path we must walk to learn the things we need to learn to become like Him.  I hope I can be humble enough to follow all the steps He asks me to take and endure, or more accurately--progress--to the end.

3 Nephi 7:25--Why Get Baptized?

Sometimes, in literature and in life, I come across those with the attitude of--why get baptized?  They believe in God, but see no real necessity to get baptized.  When I come across this attitude I think of the Savior's baptism and the obedience involved in following his example, but when I read 3 Nephi 7:25 it struck me as a good answer to that why-get-baptized question.  It says:

"...all such as should come unto them (those ordained to the ministry) should be baptized with water, and this as a witness and a testimony before God, and unto the people, that they had repented and received a remission of their sins."

I also like what it says in 3 Nephi 9:17-20, when Christ announces that the Law of Moses has been fulfilled:

"...for behold, by me redemption cometh, and in me is the law of Moses fulfilled.  I am the light and the life of the world.  I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.  And ye shall offer up unto me no more the shedding of blood; yea, your sacrifices and your burnt offerings shall be done away, for I will accept none of your sacrifices and your burnt offerings.  And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost..."

It seems to me that if you are unwilling to get baptized with water "as a witness and a testimony before God" then there is no way that you can receive the baptism "with fire and with the Holy Ghost" that comes with a broken heart and contrite spirit offered up unto the Lord.  A sad blessing to miss out on indeed.

Helaman 14:30-31

I have heard and said these words many times..."Be an example."  "Help those around you."  "Serve others."

All of these things are wonderful pieces of advice, but I have noticed even wonderful things can become distorted if I take them too far.  You see, I can sometimes have an over-reaching sense of responsibility towards others.  I can take these nice phrases into my heart and suddenly I am responsible for the spiritual welfare of those around me.  My family, my visiting teaching sisters, and my neighbors begin to weigh heavy on my mind.  I think of how Lehi longed to share the precious white fruit of his vision with his family, and I can see that for me it feels more like I need to carry my whole family on my back and lug them along the straight and narrow path because anything less would be a lapse in my duty as a wife and mother.  After all, I am responsible for the spiritual tone in my home, so I must also be responsible for any and all sin that might happen within its walls and probably even outside its walls if it has to with those over whom I have been given stewardship.  I know that this is not correct.

I know that lugging someone along the straight and narrow path isn't possible.  I know that in Heavenly Father's plan we must all chose whether to hold to the rod and seek for the fruit waiting for us.  Or another way of saying it--if I could borrow from a biblical parable--is we cannot give the oil in our lamp to those who may not have filled their lamps sufficiently full.  It just cannot be done because we are all free.  Free to choose for ourselves.

I know that my desire to "help" others along can turn into issues with control.  I know some people in my life might think that I am too controlling, but it is odd to me how very much I don't wish to be that way.  I am truly trying to do that which has been asked of me.  My natural way of looking at the world is more of a "live and let live" philosophy, but that feels too uncaring when I think of gospel teachings.  So...I have been working on my perspective of things and Helaman 14:30-31 has a little reminder for me when it says:

"And now remember, remember, my brethren, that whosoever perisheth, perisheth unto himself; and whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free.  He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you."

I also have been thinking a lot about the difference between 'not making stellar choices' and 'committing actual sin.'  As I have paid more attention to this, I have been able file a lot of things in the former category.  I know we cannot make everyone happy with us all the time.  I know that nobody is perfect.  I am grateful that we all have the Atonement and ability to repent.  I know that keeping all of this in mind will enable me to more lovingly help those around me, teach with the Spirit and by example, and serve others while allowing them to choose for themselves.  I know that the feeling of responsibility will no longer be crushing as I put things in their proper perspective, and I will find more peace and joy in my life.

Helaman 13

I have been thinking about what I said concerning trust in my last post, which was basically:  Wouldn't it be wonderful if Heavenly Father could trust me as much as I trust him?

Well, I've been thinking that maybe he does.  I know I could do better about following the promptings that I receive.  I hesitate more often than I should and am sometimes "slow to walk in wisdom's path."  (Helaman 12:5)  Perhaps as I learn to trust Heavenly Father more readily and follow more speedily, his trust in me will grow.  I am forever grateful that he loves me so much even though I am not the most trustworthy being on the planet.

Samuel the Lamanite is a perfect example of one who follows the Lord promptly even when things get really hard.  In Helaman 13, it tells of how the Lamanite people are righteous and the Nephites have fallen into wickedness.  Samuel is sent to preach, and he does so until they cast him out.  He is about to head back to his own land when:

"...the voice of the Lord came unto him, that he should return again, and prophesy unto the people whatsoever thing should come into his heart.  And it came to pass that they would not suffer that he should enter into the city; therefore he went and got upon the wall thereof, and stretched forth his hand and cried with a loud voice, and prophesied unto the people whatsoever things the Lord put into his heart." (Helaman 12:3-4)

I love that!  They wouldn't let him in so he climbs onto the wall?  I am pretty sure I would be stomping away from the gates of Zarahemla muttering..."Well, I could have sworn that the voice said to go and preach some more, but obviously I was mistaken.  If I was supposed to go and preach I'm sure my path would not be blocked--for surely if I am supposed to do something, it will be made easy, right?"

I am immensely grateful for the patience that the Lord has with me.  It is awe-inspiring, and it gives me hope.  I have hope that I can learn to endure and follow in faith that which he asks me to do even when obstacles block my way.

And now I am left to ponder--why it is that the obstacles which have been blocking my way lately are my own character flaws?  You would think that I at least would be able to get out of my own way.  Apparently there are many more lessons I have yet to learn.

Helaman 10:5--Trust

Perhaps the reason I didn't notice all the success Nephi experienced in Helaman 5 is because it didn't last long.  He goes into the land northward to preach but is rejected.  When he returns the Nephites are wicked again and the Gadianton robbers are in the judgment-seat, having committed murder to get there.

Nephi is lamenting their wickedness in his garden tower which draws attention and eventually leads to him telling the people that their current chief judge has been murdered and is right now laying in his own blood.  Men are sent to check but never come back because they get thrown in prison for the murder.  The story continues but it's not what I want to focus on today.

After all the hubbub dies down, Nephi was walking home when "a voice came unto him" letting him know that "all things shall be done unto thee according to thy word, for thou shalt not ask that which is contrary to my will." (Helaman 10:3-5)

When I was younger and I read this story, I marveled at the power given to Nephi.  Now I am amazed by the trust.  Heavenly Father has ultimate trust in Nephi.  It is humbling to think about.  What if Heavenly Father could trust me like I trust Him?  That would be truly wonderful.

Helaman 5--Wow

Helaman 5...this chapter is amazing!  It feels like this is the first time I have read it because there are so many details I have never paid attention to before.  This time an answer to a prayer was in the details so I really noticed a lot more than usual.

This is the chapter where Nephi and Lehi (the sons of Helaman) are thrown in prison and eventually surrounded by a pillar of fire.  But what I didn't notice before was that the Nephites were in a very bad place politically speaking.  Their country was going to pot even with Nephi sitting in the judgment-seat.  It says in verse 2:

"For as their laws and their governments were established by the voice of the people, and they who chose evil were more numerous then they who chose good, therefore they were ripening for destruction..."

So what does Nephi do?  He delivers "up the judgment-seat." Huh?

It seems so illogical for him to do that when things are going so poorly that the Nephites have lost half their land to the Lamanites and they had abandoned their design to get it back.  But Nephi gives up the judgment-seat (I'm sure to someone he trusts and feels will rule righteously) and goes, taking Lehi with him, from city to city preaching the word of God.  It says in verse 18:

"...for they had power and authority given unto them that they might speak, and they also had what they should speak given unto them-"

Through their obedience many Nephite dissenters along with 8,000 Lamanites were baptized.  Why don't I remember all of this?  It is pretty huge.  Anyway, the part of the chapter that has always stuck with me now comes into play, Nephi and Lehi are in prison and about to be put to death by the Lamanites when a pillar of fire surrounds them.  A voice speaks to their captors.  Not a thunderous voice, but "a still voice of perfect mildness."  About 300 people experience this and they go and "minister unto the people."  The chapter ends with the Lamanites laying down their weapons of war and GIVING the Nephites back their land!

It is just another example to me how important revelation is in our lives.  The last time the Lamanites were wreaking this much havoc, Captain Moroni fought with the sword to gain back their lands.  Captain Moroni was right.  Nephi was right.  And yet, they handled things differently based on the revelation they received.

Helaman 3:29--Dividing Asunder

Lately, I have been thinking about the iron rod in Lehi's vision due to preparing my part for a visiting teaching conference in Relief Society so when I read Helaman 3:29 it made me smile.  This scripture so perfectly describes why we need to keep a hold of the iron rod, or word of God.  It says:

"Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil..." (Emphasis added)

I so very much need something to divide the truth from the cunning twists that the devil makes of the truth here on earth.  It has been essential to me in my life, and I'm sure the word of God, whether contained in the standard works or given me by the mouth of a living prophet, will continue to guide me along the path towards my Father in Heaven.

Incidentally, my connection to visiting teaching is that we as sisters can bring gospel messages into one another's homes and therefore assist each other in keeping our focus on the iron rod, the path ahead, and the tree of life.  As distractions in the world are all around us, I feel that this is an important work.

It's All About Love

Alma 57 and 58 are continuations of Helaman's letter to Moroni.  In the beginning of Alma 58, Helaman writes about waiting in vain for help from the government.  They were in great need of both men and provisions, but they received only a small amount of each.  In Alma 58:9-11 Helaman writes:

"...therefore, we were grieved and also filled with fear...Therefore we did pour out our souls in prayer to God, that he would strengthen us and deliver us...and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him."

I love this.  I love that Helaman doesn't charge right into the story about how they were delivered, but wrote about the wonderful feelings--gifts, really--given through the Spirit so that they no longer feared.  Helaman writes how Heavenly Father didn't just give them the answer to their prayer, he also gave them the faith they so desperately needed, the hope to carry them through, and peace, the total opposite of that horrible feeling of fear.

I know I have received these great gifts as well.  So many times.  But probably not as often as my Heavenly Father wished to give them to me, because I didn't think to ask.  I am so grateful for my testimony that Heavenly Father loves me and wants the best for me.  I think it is true, that the strongest testimonies of that nature are formed during the hardest trials of our lives.  It makes me grateful for those trials because knowing that he loves me is so very important to understanding all the rest of it.  The gospel is all about love.

Stripling Warriors

The story of the 2,000 Stripling Warriors is by in large told in Alma 56 in a letter from Helaman to Moroni.  It is a great story...one of the "kid stories" of the Book of Mormon.  Kids love it, and it is often seen as a straight forward story about faith.  The 2,000 young men were taught to trust God and not one of them died.

I don't know why, but as I read that story this morning I did not see the faith and bravery of the young men, which is what I thought I would write about, all I could see was the way the two armies worked together.  Helaman and his sons marched speedily to lead away the Lamanites who pursued them with equal speed.  Antipus and his army followed, knowing that if they did not catch up, Helaman's army would be slaughtered.  They marched so quickly that it left little energy to fight by the time they did catch up and many men, including Antipus, fell quickly to the swords of the Lamanites.  But, it was then that Helaman's army returned, even though they were unsure about why the Lamanite army had stopped.  They were unsure if it was a trap or if Antipus needed their help and yet they turned back because unwillingly to stay away if it was the latter.

When Helaman's army arrived they found Antipus' men on the verge of scattering.  These young warriors fought with such vigor that the whole Lamanite army turned to fight them.  This gave the men of Antipus a chance to regroup and come again upon the rear of the Lamanite army, after which a victory was won.

Alone neither one of the Nephite armies would have survived.  Together, they conquered.  There is a lesson in that...It could be thought of in terms of ward members helping one another, families, spouses, or friends.  A chance to regroup is often all we need to face life's challenges head on.

I sometimes underestimate how valuable a chance to regroup is.  The Sabbath day is often a way for me to regroup.  Even some time spent with the scriptures, or cuddling with my kids makes all the difference.  But I suppose my point is that even when it feels like we are falling, or failing, we need not to give up.  Our Heavenly Father is aware of all of us and He will come to our aid if we reach out to Him, whether it is through other people or through the Spirit, the results are the same--we can conquer.

The Possible

In Alma chapters 51 and 52, we see the Lamanites gaining victories over the Nephites even though Moroni drew the line between himself and his enemy, fortified his cities, and prepared to the best of his ability.  I feel it is important to realize that this is true in our lives as well.  We, none of us, are perfect.  None of us have perfect children, perfect spouses, or perfect friends.

At times, our defenses fail.  The important thing is that we don't give up the fight.  We continue to fortify against Satan's bombardment.  We continue to defend the line between us and that which would eternally harm us.  It requires repentance, as well as forgiveness of ourselves and others.  It requires hope and persistence.  And it also requires that we recognize the difference between what a sin is and what is a choice of lesser consequence.

I have noticed a trend in myself lately as I try to find more peace in my life.  I find myself often thinking:  "Calm down.  What just happened is not a big deal.  It is not a sin.  Yes, you have disappointed another person because you couldn't accomplish what they wanted from you, but you have in no way done wrong."

I think as I have learned the great value of obedience in my life, I sometimes get caught up in wanting to please everyone.  I need to remember that obedience to Heavenly Father brings more faith, more understanding, and more happiness while obedience to the whims of all those around me brings stress.

I found a quote that I love that has helped me deal with this concept of continuing to strive and do my best even amidst what I often view as my failures.  It is from the American author, Sue Bender:

"My challenge was not to do the impossible--but to learn to live with the possible."

We know that Moroni, Teancum, Lehi, and Helaman don't give up when they lose a few cities to the Lamanites.  They rally.  They plan.  They pray.  They fight.  They are guided and blessed.  We will be also.  With faith in our Savior, winning the battle is possible.

Build Your Towers

I love Alma chapter 50.  It is, for the most part, a happy and hopeful chapter.

It talks about how Moroni directed the people of Nephi to fortify themselves against the danger of the Lamanites' attacks.  Years ago, in family scripture reading, we began to liken this fortification unto ourselves by considering what Alma 50 was advising for our family.  We read verse 4...

"And he caused towers to be erected that overlooked those works of pickets, and he caused places of security to be built upon those towers, that the stones and the arrows of the Lamanites could not hurt them."

...and I hastily drew a rough sketch on a piece of paper of towers atop a wall.  On the wall was the shield that all Primary kids recognize with the letters CTR (choose the right) written on it.  On the towers we wrote FP (family prayer), FS (family scripture reading), and FHE (family home evening).  These are some of the defenses that our leaders have advised us to put in place for our families.

Then we read verse 6:

"Thus Moroni did prepare strongholds against the coming of their enemies, round about every city in all the land."

Can't you just see it?  Every family, prepared and protected to the best of our ability from that which tries to encroach and destroy us...it is a very hopeful picture that pops into my mind.

The chapter goes on, but I won't quote all the scriptures here.  I'll just record some of the jottings that I wrote in my scriptures.

Next to Alma 50: 7-8, I wrote "the drawing of the line."  Moroni clears the Lamanites out of the east wilderness and makes a straight line from east to west that divides the land of the Nephites from the Lamanites.  Each family needs to decide where their line is drawn so that it is clear where they feel the danger lies.

Next to Alma 50: 9-11, I wrote "replace dangerous things with good things."  After the Lamanites are cleared out, Moroni has the Nephites build cities in the east wilderness.

There are, of course, more wise words in this chapter, but I think you understand what I'm saying.  And I'm sure as others study this chapter, they will pick out different words that the Holy Ghost guides them to for their own families.

Captain Moroni

I have been reading about Captain Moroni.  He is introduced to us in Alma 43:16, and then in verse 17, it tells us that he was only twenty-five years old when he was appointed chief captain over the Nephite army.  He was young for all that responsibility, but he was most assuredly up to the challenge.  We all remember the often quoted Alma 48:17 about the good captain:

"Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men."

He was without a doubt an amazing man.  A righteous man.  He was a man that knew the importance of liberty.  In Alma 44:5, Moroni is speaking to the leader of the army of Lamanites that he is contending with at the time.  The Nephites have surrounded the Lamanites and wish to let them depart in peace.  Moroni is telling Zerahemnah why the Nephites fight and commanding him to lay down his weapons and promise not to come to battle against the Lamanites again.  He says:

"And now, Zerahemnah, I command you, in the name of that all-powerful God, who has strengthened our arms that we have gained power over you, by our faith, by our religion, and by our rites of worship, and by our church, and by the sacred support which we owe to our wives and our children, by that liberty which binds us to our lands and our country; yea, and also by the maintenance of the sacred word of God, to which we owe all our happiness; and by all that is most dear unto us--"

I feel a kindling of hope when I read that scripture that I too might overcome those things, those vices or sins that attempt to steal my liberty away.  I can rely on that all-powerful God, who can strengthen my arm, and I can rely on my faith in that sacred word of God to which I owe all my happiness.

The scriptures refer to sins often as chains that drag us down, and this morning I am longing to be free from that weight.  I have learned so much about the gospel this past five years.  I have been on a steep learning curve, but I still struggle to put it all into practice.  I can know it, but sometimes the doing eludes me.  I hope I can be more aware of my liberty and defend it with the vigor that Moroni defends the Nephite nation.

Lorenzo Snow

In reading the Relief Society lesson for next week I found a perfect quote from President Lorenzo Snow that goes along with my Parenting with the Spirit post.  I love what he has to say and the way he says it!

"Make up your minds to live humbly and in such a way that you will always have the Spirit of the Lord to be your friend, to make such suggestions to you from time to time as shall be needed under the peculiar circumstances in which you may be placed....How much longer I may live, I know nothing about, and I do not worry about it.  I do desire, and it is something that you should desire, to have that humility, and that meekness, and that simplicity to enjoy the spirit of revelation.  It is your privilege, every one of you, to have enough of the spirit of revelation to know exactly what is proper for you to do.  It is your privilege to have it just as much as it is my privilege to know what to do tomorrow, when tomorrow comes, for the best interests of the Church in general."   (Teachings of the President of the Church:  Lorenzo Snow, chapter 4, pg. 79)

Parenting with the Spirit

Alma 42 is the last chapter that we get to "listen in" on Alma speaking to his sons.  He is still talking with Corianton and he says in verse 1:

"And now, my son, I perceive there is somewhat more which doth worry your mind, which ye cannot understand..."

I have been thinking about this since reading it yesterday.  I wish I could hear the things Corianton is saying back to Alma.  Or, is Corianton like some of my kiddos, who largely remain silent during these tete-a-tetes?  Is Alma gleaning what needs to be discussed from what his son is saying or from the Spirit like he and Amulek did when they were "contending" with Zeezrom back in Alma 12?

Alma speaking to Zeezrom:  "...for behold, he knows all thy thoughts, and thou seest that thy thoughts are made known unto us by his Spirit." (Alma 12:3)

It has got me thinking about parenting and how Heaven Father knows my children and what they need far better than I do.  It is a thought that is a comfort to me.  When I am ready to throw up my hands in frustration as to what to do next as a parent, I can go to Heavenly Father and he will know.  Or better yet, pray before I am ready to throw in the towel.  I think that my stewardship as their mother entitles me to revelation regarding their needs.  I think I can ask him to help me perceive the things that my child is struggling with even when they are silent.  And then I can pray for the words and the love that it takes to help them understand.

The Plan of Restoration

In Alma chapter 41, Alma continues his discussion with his son, Corianton, by teaching him about the word "restoration" and how that applies to the plan of salvation.  In fact in verse 2 he talks about "the plan of restoration," then he goes on to say:

"...it is requisite that all things should be restored to their proper order.  Behold it is requisite and just, according to the power and resurrection of Christ, that the soul of man should be restored to its body, and that every part of the body should be restored to itself." (emphasis added)

In verses 3-6, Alma talks about how the concept of restoration applies to our choices in this life.  He says that those whose works are good in this life will have that which is good restored unto them, and those who choose evil will have evil restored to them.  I like how he puts it in verse 7:

"...for behold, they are their own judges, whether to do good or do evil."

I have meant some people in my life that resent the concept of religion because they think that it teaches about a God that goes around damning people to hell all the time.  They don't think God is like that, and they are right.  Our Father in Heaven is loving and merciful...and just.  This plan that he has laid out for us is the only way that we can learn and grow and eventually become like Him.  He has provided us with life on this earth, opportunities to choose, and a Savior.  The Savoir's Atonement makes it so that when we choose poorly, we can erase those sins and try again to make better choices.  We truly are our own judges, deciding what will be restored unto us when all is said and done.  Let us choose wisely, my friends.

Alma 40

In Alma 40, Alma tells his son, Corianton, about how he prayed to know a mystery of God and received his answer from an angel.  He "imparts" the answer to his son--and all of us--concerning what becomes of us between the time of our death and the time wherein we are resurrected.  He speaks of spirit paradise and "outer darkness"(v.13).  I have a note in my scriptures that says--per a Sunday School lesson--that Alma is speaking of spirit prison here in verse 13, not the "outer darkness" we think of in association with the sons of perdition.  So, Alma is discussing a part of the plan of salvation with his son in this chapter and we get to "listen" in.

The way he talks about it makes me think about the terms "heaven" and "hell" used by much of the Christian world.  The way he describes paradise and prison sure sound like heaven and hell(v.12-13).  So it seems to me that many Christian churches don't have things wrong, as far as their knowledge of what comes after this life, as much as it is that their knowledge is incomplete.  It stops there, assuming the final judgment has taken place and that it is in these places that we will remain forever.

I, for one, feel like the full plan of salvation that teaches us that final judgment comes after our time in paradise or prison and about the three degrees of glory:  Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial is a more hopeful plan.  I do understand that if one does not make it to the highest degree of the Celestial kingdom that one is damned (or unable to progress further) for eternity and that does not sound like a fully satisfying way to spend eternity, but the lesser kingdoms seem much kinder to me than thinking of an eternity in spirit prison.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have gotten the impression that others may see our church as having a narrow definition as to those who will be happy after this life, but I feel as though the full plan of salvation is much more hopeful and merciful than the heaven-or-hell-and-that's-it type of doctrine.  I think looking at the plan of salvation this way will help me to share the gospel, because adding knowledge to what someone already believes is much less daunting then telling someone that our beliefs are completely different from theirs.

You Only Have Two Hands

In Alma 39, Alma is talking to his son Corianton about many different things, repentance and self-mastery being among them.  He tells his son to "refrain from your iniquities" and advises him to return to those whose hearts he has lead away and "acknowledge your faults and that wrong which ye have done."  Then in verse 14 he says:

"Seek not after riches nor the vain things of this world; for behold, you cannot carry them with you."

I have always thought of advice like that as referring to death and "carrying" things into the afterlife.  Perhaps that is what Alma meant, but when I read that scripture, I was picturing Corianton going among his fellow man, trying to right wrongs and accomplish good.  Because of that, I saw this verse differently this time.  As I thought about it, a picture of Isaac came into my mind.  You see, my son, Isaac, often carries around beads, or some little toy to play with as he goes throughout his day.  When I ask him to do something, he tries to complete the task with said object still in his hand.

So this morning while pondering this scripture, I can see Isaac in my mind's eye trying to clean up the living room thus encumbered.  I can see how ineffectual he is.  I can see how much more he would accomplish if he would set down that vain, or in other words, unimportant thing.  If he would put it aside, then the goal he is working toward would be accomplished much more quickly and with less frustration on his part.

I wonder if we could take Alma's advice as being like that which I say often to my kids--"You only have two hands.  You don't need that __________ so put it down and get on with life." I say it often enough that I heard Isaac tell his brother the other day to "get on with life!"

I know I can only do so much with my "two hands" of time and energy.  Perhaps I need to look at what I am carrying with me that is stopping me from getting on with my life as I want to live it each day.  If I can do that, if I can put down that which is not important, then I can work more effectively towards my goal of becoming like my Savior with a little less frustration on my part.

Shiblon

In Alma 38, Alma the Younger is speaking to his son Shiblon.

Shiblon is your typical middle child.  He gets one chapter while his older brother, Helaman, and his younger, rebellious brother, Corianton, get multiple chapters of advice from their father.  I'm just kidding.  As a middle child, I had to throw that in.  But seriously, Shiblon is a faithful man, who was a great help to his father during their mission to the Zoramites.  He will not take his father's place in keeping the sacred records as Helaman will, nor does he need remonstrating and deep teaching as Corianton, who became "distracted" by the harlot Isabel during the afore mentioned mission.  It says in verse 10 that Shiblon is a teacher of the word, and Alma hopes that he continues teaching in diligence and temperance.

There are many little gems in this short chapter, but today the one that jumps out at me is Alma's advice in verse 12:

"Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness."

All of that advice is sound, but the interesting one to me is "bridle all your passions that ye may be filled with love."  I have been thinking lately about something similar, but switched around.  I have been thinking that maybe if I have love--more specifically--charity, then perhaps that will help me to bridle my passions.  Perhaps if love is the main thing I concentrate on during my interactions with others, anger won't get the better of me quite so often.  Spikes of frustration as the results of others actions will be smoothed and bothersome occurrences will be put in their proper place.  Petty judgments laid on others around me will be shoved aside as I strive to view them as my Savior sees them.  I suppose this may be an instance much like the chicken and the egg, but one thing is for sure:  bridling your passions has something to do with love, no matter which one comes first.

Guidance

Through new callings and new lessons to study, along with the church handbook, I have let my Book of Mormon study become something that I only do during family scripture study, but that is not how I want it.  I know I started this blog so that I could share my thought as many in the ward studied along with me.  It seems that purpose went by the wayside long ago.  But I do so love my personal reflection time with the Book of Mormon that I am renewing my vigor to continue this blog.  It does me a lot of good to have to distill my scripture journal ramblings into something cohesive and better understood by others.  So I hope that no matter what book of scripture you are currently studying, you might gain something from reading what I record as I continue Learning From The Book of Mormon.

This morning I was pondering Alma 37.  This chapter contains an analogy from Alma that has long been one of my favorites.  In verse 38, Alma begins this analogy by reminding his son Helaman about the unusual compass given to Lehi and his family as they traveled in the wilderness.  The Liahona worked according to their faith in God.  If they were being faithful, it guided them well; but if they grew lax, they became lost and began wondering in the wilderness making no progress on their journey.  In forgetting to exercise their diligence they also suffered hunger and thirst because the Liahona was what kept them on the right course to aid them in going through the best hunting grounds and helped them find water.  It was the "hunger and thirst" that caught my attention this time.  I have never noticed it before.

Alma continues on to compare Lehi's journey through the wilderness with us in this life.  It is so true.  I know I am here in this world (the wilderness), but am I progressing?  Or am I simply wondering around, hungry and thirsty when there is plenty of meat and water to be had if I would just look to the Lord for guidance?  I know there is a difference between living my life as a good person out of habits that I have formed and living my life trusting in the Lord each day to guide me to that meat and water that will enliven my soul and keep me progressing on the path back to Him.

Alma 37:46:  "O my son, do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way; for so was it with our fathers; for so was it prepared for them, that if they would look they might live; even so it is with us.  The way is prepared, and if we will look we may live forever."

I know sometimes my good habits sustain me, and yet, so often, they are not enough.

Repentance Equals Joy

In Alma 36, Alma is talking to his son Helaman about his conversion--the depths of his sorrow and pain juxtaposed with the great joy and light he felt when he experienced the effects of Jesus Christ's Atonement.  He testifies of its power to heal as his sins were forgiven and washed away.  Then, in verse 24, he says:

"Yea and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing, that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy to which I did taste; that they might also be born of God and be filled with the Holy Ghost."
 

This scripture gives me a much needed shift in my attitude towards missionary work.  It declares that preaching repentance is about wanting those around you to experience joy.

I have always thought missionary work to be good, but I have felt that it is more about giving knowledge.  The transfer of knowledge takes time, and I feel the potential for me to speak too much or to come across as high and mighty is definitely there.  But, if I simply bear my testimony of Jesus Christ and the joy that comes from the Atonement through my deeds as well as my words perhaps I would not overwhelm them or me.

When I was younger, I viewed any reference to repentance as reprimand.  I felt the goal was to live life so that one didn't need to do that thing that sinners have to do...repent.  As I have experienced more of life and repentance myself, I can say along with Alma that repentance equals joy.

How I Know

My last post about Alma and all things testifying of God contained a second part to it when I wrote it in my scripture journal.  It was one of those things that I felt was more of a private thing and not meant for a blog, but I feel now that I should share it.

I wrote:

Even those who walked by Jesus' side needed the Holy Ghost as a testimony.  A personal manifestation of the Spirit is so essential to our faith.

At times, I have wondered if it was not just me, in my own mind and with my own emotions, creating that warm feeling in my chest that I have for years recognized as the Spirit.  It is a feeling of an expanding heart.  (Perhaps that is what Dr. Seuss was trying to describe in the final pages of the Grinch That Stole Christmas.  "The Grinch's small heart grew threw sizes that day" could have read--the Grinch gained a testimony of Jesus Christ that day.)

I have an experience that I don't quite know how to write about.  Words seem to lend no real explanation to it but I'll try to pin it down with words, for my mind might someday let it slip away, and I don't want it to slip away.

There was one particular morning about a year ago when I was very much wondering if I created these swelling-in-my-chest/burning-in-my-bosom answers to prayers.  Logically, I knew that when I thought about my experience with getting answers to my prayers that it simply couldn't be me because I have been guided too often to places I NEVER would have thought to go and learned things I never in a million years could have figured out on my own.  In other words, I had experience as my proof that these feelings were coming from the Lord through the Holy Ghost and yet...on this particular morning my niggling doubts about answers to prayers were gaining strength.  I wasn't just sort of wondering, I was doubting.

As I knelt to be the voice of our family prayer that morning, I sought the Spirit to help me know who needed special prayers that day but instead of feeling the Spirit of prayer, a sudden blackness seemed to have landed inside my chest.  My heart felt very heavy, and the more I willed my heart to swell and feel peace or light, the more it felt cold and hard.  I tried to shove the feeling aside and reach for guidance, but the blackness just seemed to deepen.

I stopped for just a moment, but then continued, spouting some platitudes in my prayer so as not to let my children know of the distress I was feeling.  I finished the prayer, worried that I had offended God with my doubting heart and that light would not return to me easily.  I figured I had some repenting to do and felt very anxious to do whatever it was I needed to so that I could feel the Spirit again.  Almost instantly, as I thought these things, my heart began to swell with light.  I recognized immediately that the blackness had been an answer to my unspoken prayer about my doubts.  While the blackness had taken over my heart, I had reached inside myself and tried to rid myself of it.  I had breathed deeply trying to diffuse it, but I could not accomplish it.  I knew I had been shown that the feelings given my by the Spirit were not created by me.

Now, if ever a doubt tries to creep into my mind, I think of that morning and the empty blackness I felt compared to the light, peaceful feeling I was given after and that memory chases my doubts away.