"...we have not stained our swords in the blood of our brethren since he imparted his word unto us and made us clean thereby."That sentiment has a great appeal to me. The sentiment that says--there is a day of commitment that I can point to, and I haven't messed up since then. It is a sentiment I cannot echo and one that maybe I think about too much.
It can be depressing to try to keep a clean track record in everything. I suppose if I'm really going to compare myself, I should stick to the facts. They are talking about not killing people...so I've never done that. Nice job, Ambra. But really all I can see are the many things I resolve not to do again, but do them anyway like yelling, or gossiping, or procrastinating forming a Family Mission Plan like our stake president has asked us to.
I repent. I reset the start time. I count the minutes, hours, days that I make it without messing up. I put check marks next to the things on my list that mean I am a good obedient person. Why don't these things make me happy? Because I know they are fleeting and I will eventually mess up and I will NEVER be done with my list.
And so it goes. I keep trying. I keep feeling defeated as I fall short. How can I express thanks in my prayers for Jesus Christ's Atonement while completely ignoring what it means for me? Why do I let Satan's darts of discouragement lay me so flat that I don't feel like trying again?
Why do I think that I have to "turn in" a nearly clean slate each day and only cause the Savior a minimum of trouble because I really could do pretty much everything by myself? I heard a talk recently that said: "Jesus doesn't make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference." I think I need to rely a little more heavily on the Savior than have been lately. In fact, I'm sure of it.
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